FYI

healthcare reform

OK. So I just spent 8 mind-numbing hours working in an ER about an hour from The Second-Whitest Town on Earth. I saw people - old and young, sick and well - waiting for hours to be seen. Let me just say this: I have some suggestions as to how we can streamline things. Contrary to popular media reports, the ER is clearly far too nice of a place to spend a Saturday afternoon. I propose sweeping reforms.

1. The seats are way too comfortable. I propose no seats at all. Those in triage must stand. Unless they fall over. Then they can lie down. But be aware that whatever change may roll out of your pockets is fair game for staff. Any attempts to reclaim your loose change will result in loss of collapsing privileges and swift return to the back of the line.

2. No crying out. Not even in pain. If you're currently in possession of all of your limbs, I don't want to hear a whimper. You want something to cry about? I'll give you something to cry about. I'm watching you Timmy. I know you're seven.

3. No runny noses. I don't care if your throat hurts. Can you speak? Can you swallow? Come back when you're seizing. Collapse at the back of the line and wait until I call your number.

4. In fact, from now on, I will only see the following emergencies:

• Heart attack. FYI, if you think you're having one, you're not having one. Go home and take a Zantac.
• Penetrating chest trauma. The closer it is to midline, the quicker you will be seen.
• Anaphylaxis/Epiglottitis. I don't care if you took your "blue puffer" 20 times. Show me your hives or come back when you're drooling.
• MVA's in which the airbag has deployed. Bonus points for being ejected.
• Sepsis. IV drug users need not apply. Why should I fix you if you're gonna ruin all my hard work next week?
• Strokes so long as you've had symptoms for less than 4 hours. Otherwise don't even bother. You're gorked. Don't worry about the drool on your chin. Pretty soon you won't be able to remember the word for chin.
• Perforated bowels. I don't care if you're constipated. It's not the same thing. Try taking the Senekot you have at home. If you tell me you can't take it because it gives you diarrhea I'm going to punch you.
• Massive bleed. This is more than three napkins or a couple tampons. Blood must be gushing/spurting from an orifice (original issue or man-made) in order to qualify. Being light-headed is a bonus but be warned that if your BP is normal you're gonna be joining Timmy at the back of the line.

It's pretty simple. UTI's, coughs, heartburn, scrapes, slivers, diarrhea and anything not on the list can take it somewhere else. But you're in real pain you say? Uh. Uh. Sorry. I don't buy it, crazy. An 8/10 can't form words, let alone ask for water.

5. Finally, instead of local radio, I will be playing this song on repeat at the nursing station. It outta keep things moving briskly.

And that's it for now. Five simple but effective ways for our government to decrease wait times across the province while simultaneously addressing the bed shortage issue. Cue the applause.

Call me a visionary. Call me a prophet. Just don't call me Clooj.