[begin dictation]
Admission Note
ID:
HF is a 28 year old male from home, previously well, who presents to the HOG to begin his residency in medicine.
History of Present Illness:
Patient has recently graduated from the University of Mud where he worked for 3 long years as a runt and has successfully applied to begin his residency as an officer of the House of God. At the beginning of June, the patient drove across the country, unwitnessed, with roughly $2500 worth of IKEA utensils and clothes stuffed into the back of a silver station wagon, all of which he claims belong to him. The journey took him 10 days, of which he actually drove 4. Upon arriving home, he was greeted by two loving parents and a socially-maladjusted cat. In hindsight, the patient feels he should have driven in the opposite direction.
The patient spent the following 48 hours unpacking his car and moving the seven boxes that contain the sum of his possessions into his new apartment, right in the heart of the city's industrial park. Of note, his home is located less than 5 minutes walk from a liquor store and 15 minutes from the city's red light district. He attributes these facts to coincidence.
Despite minimal knowledge and scanty motivation, the house has reluctantly accepted HF into servitude as an officer. He will commence his duties immediately, with the implicit knowledge that neither party is thrilled about the arrangement.
Past Medical History:
Patient has been hospitalized once for query aspiration pneumonitis. At the age of 5 years he appears to have ingested a Lego piece. However, chest x-ray was negative and a space-man backpack was later recovered from the patient's stool.
There is a remote history of asthma. However, there are no documented breathing difficulties and a note from a Dr. Simpson, dated June of 1986, suggests that Munchausen by-proxy be included in the differential for this illness.
Finally, the patient has a remote history of endocarditis. According to the patient, he was culture-positive, for a period of roughly 6 years, with the Talkslika manicus virus. This appears to have caused temporary alienation from loved ones and lost him some serious "street cred." However, following a protracted period of social isolation, it has since been eradicated, the only sequela being transient myocarditis without any significant heart-break.
Medications:
Patient is not currently taking any prescription medications. He is, however, taking 1000mg of caffeine daily.
Allergies:
No known drug allergies.
Social History:
Patient lives alone in an apartment in the Second-Whitest-Town-on-Earth. He is not currently in a relationship, but has of late been to dinner with an emotionally-stunted brat who refers to him as "Doc" while sexting. Patient admits to social drinking, occasionally with stuffed animals. He is a non-smoker who denies any recreational drug use, although patient recently returned from Bolivia with 6 kilos of flour.
Family History:
Family history is positive for an Eating Disorder NYD and workaholism on the paternal side and Generalized Anxiety Disorder on the maternal side. Patient is the youngest of three children, all of whom had a childhood afflicted with Spectacularly Neurotic Parenting Disorder and doasisaynotasidoitis.
On Examination:
The patient was examined in ER. He is a 5ft 7inch male with light brown hair and blue New Balance 420 trainers. He appears older than stated age, yet was alert and oriented times three and in no apparent distress.
Cardiovascular exam revealed normal S1 S2, no S3 S4 and no murmurs. JVP was at 3-4 cm above the sternal angle. Peripheral pulses were palpable bilaterally. Cap refill was less than 3 seconds at the nail bed. Abdominal exam was unremarkable. Despite patient's request, a digital rectal exam was not performed. A brief neuro exam was significant only for a severe bilateral retro-ocular headache with pronounced photophobia. Patient attributed this to a night of drinking. Respiratory exam revealed good air entry bilaterally without any adventitia.
Laboratory investigations were not available at the time of this dictation. Urine drug screen is pending.
Impression:
This is a mildly-neurotic 28 year male who presents to the HOG in reasonable health. He will be admitted for further ridicule and monitoring.
Issues and Plan:
1. Idealism - patient reports a strong belief in the inherent goodness of people. This is expected to pass within several weeks.
2. Hypersomnia - patient reports regularly sleeping as much as 7 hours per night. Patient will be confined to the wards every third day for a period of no less than 24 hours, during which time he will not be allowed to sleep and required to care for GOMERS. It is anticipated this will threaten the integrity of the House and in no way contribute to increasing his competence as a physician.
3. Abstinence - patient has requested contact with easy, hot nurses. I have accordingly assigned him to the ward from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Thank you very much for including me in the care of this patient.
Sincerely,
Dr. Brown, R2 dictating on behalf of the Walrus.
[End dictation]
Please send copies of this report to the patient's chart, to the Walrus and to the CPSBC.
"Talkslika manicus" = best most subtle reference to an ex-girlfriend ever. Your bro-in-law keeps saying it at random times and snorting to himself.
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